What If I Just Kill Myself Tomorrow?

 


What if I won’t be here tomorrow? 

What if tonight is the last time I breathe in this world? 

Would anyone notice? Would anything change?


My coffee cup..it sits there every morning, waiting to be filled. What will it do without me? Will it gather dust, forgotten in a corner, or will someone else fill it ?

And my scrunchie..faithful, constant, holding me together when I’m falling apart. Who will it tie to? Who will wrap it around their wrist and feel the  promise of a better day?


My water bottle..it knows me too well, waiting patiently for me to clear it by 1 pm. It won’t understand why it’s left untouched, half-full, abandoned.


And my floral dresses..oh, those dresses! Waiting eagerly for me to pull them out, to layer them with sweaters, to bring them to life. They’ll stay in the dark, their colors fading.

Then there are my earbuds, begging for my bomb playlist. The songs will go unheard, lyrics echoing into a void where no one’s there to hum along.


And my iPad..it’ll wait endlessly for me to watch the same show on repeat. Who will sit there, heart racing, waiting for the next episode? It’ll never know I didn’t get to finish.


And him.. my love. My heart breaks at the thought of him waiting outside the gate, checking his mobile, tapping his foot. Who will he hang out with? Who will he laugh with? Who will he hold?


My father..he’s always waiting for me to come back home. Who will step out with a tired smile and a bag full of stories to tell? His silence will be louder than his laughter ever was.


My sister..she’ll sit there, sipping her lemon water.. waiting for me to spill all the tea. The stories will pile up, too heavy for her to carry alone. Who will share her inside jokes now?


And my roommate..she’ll glance at my room, messy as ever, and wait for me to clean it. But this time, she’ll wait in vain. She’ll stare at the chaos I left behind and wonder if she should leave it, just the way it was.


My best friend..counting the days till we finally end this stupid long distance. But what happens when there are no days left to count? When the clock stops ticking and we’re still miles apart?


Even my novels..they’ll sit on the shelf, waiting for me to reread them, to get lost in their worlds once again. Their pages will grow stiff, their stories frozen in time, waiting for a reader who’ll never return.


What will happen to all of them?


If I’m not here tomorrow, the world will go on. The coffee will brew, the sun will rise, the scrunchie will lie forgotten, and life will keep moving. But these tiny, invisible threads..the ones that tether me to the people and things I love..they’ll break. And no one will see the pieces scatter.


But tonight,

 I’m still here. 

So, I’ll hold on. 

Because my coffee cup, 

my scrunchie, 

my water bottle, 

my floral dresses, 

my earbuds, 

my iPad, 

my love, 

my family, 

my friends, 

my books..

They’re all waiting for me. And maybe, just maybe, I’m waiting for them too.







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